Women Looking For A Good Man

What it is folk? Lol, I apologize for my appropriate yet inaptly timed usage of the urban colloquialisms. Since my last blog post, I have been thinking a lot about what my next blog post will be. It wasn't until I saw a series of tweets asking "Where all the good men have gone" and I knew that I wanted that topic to be my next blog post. (follow ya boy @MAProph4 by the way on Twitter...yea I know, it was a shameless plug!) 

So, to appease my own curiosity and that of the people who will read this blog, I will begin to divulge my feelings and thought processes on "Women Looking For A Good Man."

Ok, anybody that knows me, knows that I am a very spiritual and GOD-fearing and Jesus loving type of guy. So when I begin to look at this situation, I refer to the Bible or "GOD's Guide Book to Living by the Book" lol. With that said, if you open your Bibles to Proverbs 18:22 and read quietly as I read aloud from the King James Version, you will find these words "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD." 

In my opinion GOD's logic is infallible and I have no need to question it...however, I do kind of have one  minor grievance. CNN says that 42% of all black women have NOT been married, and that is also double the number of white women who have not been married. Check out this CNN link which talks about Black Women who cannot find black men to marry. So, my only question is...does Proverbs 18:22 only apply to white women? 

DISCLAIMER: For all intensive purposes, the next section will explain what I feel is the back story, which explains why black women are at this current crossroads. This next section is all MY own opinion and ultimately is not bound in any other type of statistical data except my own personal experiences. Also, this section will talk about what i feel is the back story for Black Men and Black Women relationships failing. This means forthcoming statements are entirely biased in nature and spirit. I ask that you do not become offended by my thought processes and more importantly you don't have to buy what I am selling...so if you are truly offended stop reading and return to your menial existence. I wanna talk about black folk kuz I am one and white folk seem to have this relationship thing figured out...check the stats if you don't believe me 

The Back Story

Now, before people get upset and start calling me a racist and burning crosses on my porch, let me explain my thought. Firstly, the numbers are just that numbers. We can find various ways to manipulate data and make it say whatever we want it to say. However, the data is just that, data. This data does not tell you how many guys or girls that women has been with, how many relationships she has been in, how career focused she is, or even how many men approach here on a regular basis. All the data just says is that 42% of all black women have never been married, and that to me is kind of disturbing. 

These numbers paint a picture of a world where GOD's most beautiful creatures (at least in my biased eyes) are not being taken off to be wed. Why is this so? Are black women undesirable, unattractive, or just not good enough? I would argue that none of this is true...I would actually argue that we, meaning black men, have a lot to do with this problem. 

We, have not had the opportunity to establish the generational trend of making a home with a black women and not just laying our hats down. One could blame slavery, one could blame white people, and one could even blame the 70's drug culture (like I do!) At the end of the day, placing the blame on people who have come before you is an excuse in my eyes and it isn't even a good excuse. Instead of looking for someone to blame, we need to blame ourselves. 

Just because most black men grew up without fathers in the household (like I did for most of my life) we should not use that as an excuse to make our future seeds and women endure the things we endured. To me, that is just stupid, sad, and disappointing, but a lot of men have allowed it to happen and are continuing to do so. 

Now, do not be discouraged because we are starting to do better! More often than not, the black men I meet want to have something with a black women and most importantly want to build something with her...but to my dismay most black women are refusing to want to do the same. (Pause)...if you disagree with me that is cool! I did not tell you that you have to buy what I am selling, but before you write me off in your little book, that no one cares about except you, just hear me out...(Play) 

The consequence of not having a father in the household is detrimental not only for our future black males, but "the future mothers of our babies" to quote Benjamin, Andre. I say this because black girls are sent the message that they are not good enough to be loved or insidiously tricked into thinking that no man wants to love them. Couple these subliminal messages with them being taught how to be a strong and independent black women, by their mother, and a jaded, scarred, and needy women is produced. Also, most of the time, this women is incapable of conveying her feelings to that man and most of the time her emotions comes out in the wrong way. 

I realize that this not the case for most black women, but I feel that it is an accurate description for most black women...even though I do not have any numbers to back up that claim.  For the people who have not grown up this way, most of the time, they are taught how to appreciate themselves and their mates (now, i know that this is a very wide generalization, but from growing up in a household where I had my dad to one when I didn't have a father I find this generalization to be very true. I say this because my self -esteem was SUPER high when I had my dad and it decreased steadily after I lost him which had a big impact on how I viewed myself and others. So, my personal experience is my backing for making this claim)

In a perfect world, the people who are scarred would get together and allow the people who have most of their stuff together, to be with one another. Sadly, the world isn't perfect and more often than not the scarred folk turn the good folk into scarred folk and this process continues until we have more scarred folk than good folk running around. 

Back to the point 

The Back story has been explained, but how does this relate to Proverbs 18:22 and black women? Well, I have a couple of strategies to help black women in their search to find a black man. 

1. To begin, let's examine Proverbs 18:22. It says "Whoso findeth a WIFE findeth a good thing."  The passage says whoever finds them a WIFE and not if a wife finds them. So first on the list is to STOP searching! Good men like to be the hunters, good men like to go out and seek a women, good men are like hunter gatherers. Lol, meaning that good men like to go out and do most of the work, and to find a prey who will put up a fight but not too much of a fight. Conversely good men dislike it when they aren't given that opportunity. So, stop searching and let him search for you...I hate to be cliche but good things really do come to those who wait. 

2. Get your stuff together. Don't sit around waiting for Mr. Right to get here and you aren't working on you...kuz Mr. Right will never come your way. I say this because there isn't anything worse than a women who has beautiful personality and you can see yourself with her, but she aint got her sugar honey ice tea together. 

3. Know who you are!!!! I know that this is just an addendum to the first one, but it is a much needed addendum! For example, if you are a woman who enjoys the company of a man...don't just flip the script when you meet a good guy because you feel that if you make him wait he will appreciate you more. WRONG!!!!! That is pure unadulterated false advertising! The truth always comes out and when the good dude finds out you laid down with any tom, dick, harry, and/or janet, he is gonna be offended and confused as to why you made him wait. So, don't lie to your mate and more importantly don't lie to yourself, because you will only end up hurting yourself. 

*****Now for those who are offended by the vulgarity of this suggestion, you must live in a bubble! Let's face it, our generation is a highly sexualized generation and we know that we are! So, sex isn't everything in a relationship but it does make up a good portion of a relationships. Thus, in my eyes I feel that the aforementioned analogy is apropos.

4. Be realistic The Holy Book talks about relationships being equally yoked. This phrase refers to relationships that are on the same level. So, if you don't have a BMW on 22", or hoards of money stacked away to spend on rainy days, or even a good job or good credit...please do NOT expect Mr. Right to have all these things. Beyonce, can say put a ring on it, but if YOU don't have Beyonce money, clothes, or looks you cant demand a dude with a Morris Chestnut body and sparkling personality to come and sweep you off your feet. I am being completely honest and forthright, because i am itred of these nickels demanding dimes when in all actuality, you would be happy with a nickel and two pennies.    

5. Lastly, a good man is just that, a good man. So do not be discouraged by the packaging! Just because you think you like a certain type of guy and you think you think that he has to dress a certain way and look a certain way and look a certain way, that guy might not be the right person for you! I mean every woman I feel wants an attractive guy, just like every guy wants an attractive women. However, one thing I have learned is that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, meaning that what I find to be beautiful may not be beautiful to someone else. I'm happy with this point of view, because pleasing people only leads you to upsetting yourself. Thus, if you find a good dude and he doesn't instantaneously make you secrete liquids that lubricated your desire...that's ok! A good man, more often than not, should stimulate the part of you which keeps you closer to GOD and not the part of you that keeps you on the road to perdition.   

********Note: we all look for someone who is aesthetically pleasing...its just human nature, i guess. A person's appearance is what attracts us to that person. Conversely, in the most subtlest of ways, we use the appearance of the person as a way to flaunt our mate around the playground like a kindergartner with a new toy. (Don't lie to yourself and say that this hasn't happened to you or you haven't done it! I know that for a long part of my life I was like this!!!) Ultimately, we all need to learn that the aesthetic pleasures tend to cover up the treasure inside the person. Now, I am not saying that every women needs to date someone like this (See picture below) but we do not need to continue to be wrapped up in the up in the way the gift is packaged, but become more concerned with the present. Afterall, if you keep looking for the same thing, you will only get the same results! So, my advice to you is entertain all options, because we (meaning men) are doing the same. (PAUSE)  Entertain does not always mean have sex...it just means have fun with the person and if it leads to that and you want it to go there then cool, and if not...cool. (play) 

Sidebar: Believe it or not, some of the MOST unattractive people have some of the WORST attitudes. WTF is up with that?

My concluding thought is this: At the end of the day, we put a lot of emphasis on creating and sustaining healthy relationships, but at what price? More importantly, how do we make more black women wives instead of baby mommas? These are questions that I cannot answer, but I always feel like creating an open dialog is the first way to generating a solution. I hope that by reading this blog post, I have give you the opportunity to generate a solution.